Even with my understanding of the English dictionary, with its thousands of snooty French loanwords brought by the Norman Conquest of 1066, or the terribly specific technical jargon that describes every phenomenon in the domain of human knowledge, I still come back to my native language of Indonesian. This off-branch of Malay from the Riau islands, just off the coast of Sumatra, melded into a previously non-existent lingua franca for a new nation less than a century ago. This is the language that has always been a part of my cognition, used by my internal monologues that has both encouraged and doubted itself, uninterrupted since my first conscious thought conjured.
It's not a word that only 19th century poets use, that you would read during literature classes. I'm sure there are many meaningful words borrowed from Sanskrit and used by generations of Indonesians to exemplify beauty. No, I don't think that I'd even have enough depth of knowledge in this language to know that those words even exist. I only use the casual form of the language, crude but in normal everyday contexts is the only form of vernacular you'd use unless you want to get laughed at. And to be honest, the voice in my head speaks in Indonesian less and less, substituting it with English. And as I speak to most of my acquaintances in English nowadays, those conversations seep into the back of my mind. I rarely dream in Indonesian anymore.
But that's beside the point. My point is, the word is really simple, maybe even making you sigh in the disappointment of the payoff of these three paragraphs. I'm gonna need you to stick with me, because it takes a lot of nuance to describe it. It won't be interesting until I explicitly say it below later. The word is:
"Sayang."
Which if I would roughly translate to "love". It's not only the noun "love", it also describes the verb, "to love". Although there is another word often used as a close synonym for "sayang", which is "cinta", it describes more of a love that you'd devote to a significant other. It's too passionate, emotional, and intense. "Sayang" though is more of a love that you'd share with everyone. Anyone you'd care for in your life, or even inanimate objects that you treasure and deem valuable. It's warm, understanding, and kind. It feels like the last orange rays of sunlight warmly laying on the skin of your hands, holding you through the sunset. But there comes a hesitation with the situation, or even with the nature of loving. What if you don't want the day to end, the sun to set? What if the thing that you love so deeply, that you couldn't imagine continuing your life without, finally leaves you?
Here's the interesting part that I was talking about two paragraphs ago. I live my life fully acknowledging the Buddhist belief that nothing is permanent. There will come a time that anything will cease to exist, which brings us to the second definition of "sayang". Imagine that, for example, your childhood possessions were thrown away. You would say:
"Kok dibuang, sayang." which means "Why'd you throw it out, what a shame."
In this context, "sayang" means "shame". There is a shame in loving. There is a shame of pouring your love into something, fully knowing that one day it will get ripped away from you eventually. I believe that the most human thing you can do in this world is to care. It's inevitable that we'll take care and love and imprint ourselves on something, we all can't help it. We're humans. That's what humans do. But we're the only ones who know about this inevitable end, and still act despite it. That's where the shame comes from. There is also a variant, which is "sayangnya", which means "unfortunately". It is unfortunate that this is how we live. It is unfortunate that all things have to end, but why do we only say it when it is about to end?
Why does the love around us only get appreciated when met with its impending termination? Why do we slowly forget how to be grateful about the love we receive? It is the short-sighted assumption that we make without realizing, it is because we assume things will keep existing indefinitely. It is only when we're proven otherwise that we start savoring and counting the days. Maybe it's that awareness that makes the time we have left together more special. Eternity makes things that we enjoy tasteless and unrewarding. A fountain of youth would have its panacean waters unquenching, still leaving us thirsty for more.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to fight with my sister almost everyday. We didn't have much entertainment back then so it was probably the TV remote, the radio, or the game console. As we grew up, the childish fights slowly stopped, but we remained mostly cold and apathetic because we barely had anything in common. Then somewhere along the line it became clear that she would move out of the city of university. Maybe it was the fact that we matured or that we didn't need to fight over stuff as she already had hers and I had mine, but weirdly enough, that realization that she'd leave soon made the time before she actually did peaceful. Now I wouldn't disagree if someone said she's one of my closest friends.
Then four years later it was my turn, and I had to go further and for a longer time. I remember that during the days leading up to me leaving, a thought that lingers like a bad taste in my mouth is a statistic that approximates the average person would have already spent 90% of their days with their parents by the time that they moved out for college. That alone was terrifying. Maybe that's why I don't say Happy Mother's or Father's Day anymore. I can't afford to appreciate them only on those days, and maybe saying that would make them think that is the case.
It is foolish to think that love and grief are antonyms of each other, rather than realizing that they are actually one and the same. The amount of love we give to every one, we will pay back one day with the same amount of grief. "Sayang" is not only a word that we use to express our love to our loved ones, it is also a reminder that our love must meet an end, and that we should spend every ounce of love being aware and grateful for it. And that is why it is my favorite word.